Project H: New Moon
by Project H
Summary: A direct parody of the second film in the Twilight series
1. Chapter 1

**Project H: New Moon**

By Panicattack/ Project H

**Author's note: If you didn't read Project H: Twilight, all you need to know for this is that Jessica has somewhat incestuous tendencies. I'm sure it made sense in context. **

Part 1

Bella narrating: _These violent delights have violent ends_

_Like at the end of Mythbusters where they just blow everything up_

_And in their triumph die, like fire and powder, which, as they kiss consume_

_Like at the end of Mythbusters where they just blow everything up_

_And I think there's something about teen love in there too_

*Meadow*

Bella: Gran?

Gran: Gran?

Ed: Two Bellas? Well, Happy Birthday to me

Door: *Knock*

*Bella's room*

Charlie: Wakey, wakey. What's that you're reading?

Bella: Romeo and Juliet. I like reading stories that are absolutely nothing like my life, what with my romance being in no way tragic

Charlie: Well then any book with actual character development would work too

Bella:...what?

Charlie: Happy Birthday! *Hands Bella gifts*

Bella: I thought we agreed no presents

Charlie: They didn't cost me anything. This camera was a murder weapon that I stole from work

Bella: *Looks at camera* Ew! Couldn't you have cleared out the old photos first?

Charlie: Maybe, but I thought I'd be an extra little surprise

Bella: And the scrapbook?

Charlie: From your mother. She doesn't know anything about you, so she sent you blank paper

Bella: Thoughtful

Charlie: You got old so fast

Bella: No I didn't

Charlie: Is that a grey hair? Broken hip? Angry letter to the paper?

Bella: No it isn't

Charlie: Are you sure? Maybe your eyesight is getting bad

Bella: Dad...

Charlie: Arthritis?

Bella: Please...

Charlie: Dreaming about being an old lady with your young boyfriend?

Bella: I...what?

Charlie: Happy Birthday!

*School*

Eric: Dear God, look at that hideous truck. What kind of loser would...oh Bella! Hi there

Bella: Can I get a picture of you guys? My mum wants me to put together a scrapbook of memories, and I find it hard to believe I could remember any of you without photographic evidence. Which one's the Asian guy?

Eric: Uh, Eric

Bella: And which one's cock-blocking Mike?

Mike: Cullen. And here he comes

Edward: *Parks across the lot so he can do a slow-motion windswept walk up to Bella*

Bella: You've been practicing that

Edward: Every night while you're asleep. Happy birthday

Bella: Ugh. Let's not celebrate my aging

Edward: You're 18 now. I'm 109. Yesterday this relationship was questionable, but today it's perfectly fine

Bella: I'm old

Edward: Well the older you get, the less you seem like part of my midlife crisis

Bella and Edward: *Kiss*

Edward: Time for class

Bella: I _have_ had class. I didn't do anything wrong or force you to-

Edward: School class

Bella: That too

Jacob: Bella!

Edward: Who's she?

Bella: Jacob

Edward: That's a dude?

Bella: Is the one who sparkles questioning someone else's masculinity?

Edward: I'll leave you two to talk

Jacob: You and I need to hang out more

Bella: You're forgetting that I don't like you

Jacob: Happy birthday. I saw this the other day and thought of you *Holds up dream catcher*

Bella: You saw something cheap and tacky and thought of me? Aw, sweet

*School Hallway*

Edward: So how come Jacob Black gets to give you a present and I don't?

Bella: I binned his gift. Besides, I have nothing to give back to you

Edward: Bella, you give me everything just by breathing

Bella: You're going to run out of clichés

Edward: I have a big book of them. I've got hundreds more. Bella, I was dead until you breathed life into me

Alice: Bella! Happy Birthday! Here's your present. I've already seen you open it and guess what – you love it! I also saw you trying it on. You might want to borrow my waxing stuff. Oh, and maybe think about a salad for lunch

Bella: Jasper, no fair with the mood control thing

Jasper: I wasn't. I don't want to waste my powers here. I'm going to go and make the school cycling team aroused before they go for a ride. Good luck getting on those seats, boys

*English class*

Edward: Look at Romeo. He kills his true love out of sheer stupidity. I sure envy him

Bella: Yeah he...what?

Edward: No no, not because of that. I envy him because he can easily commit suicide

Bella:...what?

Edward: I'd need to go to Italy and provoke the Volturi. I thought about it when I almost lost you to James

Bella: So despite being alone and miserable for almost 100 years, you never considered killing yourself until you met me?

Edward: Correct

Bella: Why are you telling me this?

Edward: Just making friendly conversation

*Cullen house*

Edward: *Looking at painting* The Volturi are a very old, very powerful family

Bella: I thought we were going on a date. Why are we still talking about suicide?

Edward: This is how all second dates go. The Volturi uphold the most important law of our world

Bella: Music piracy?

Edward: That one's second. The most important is that we keep the existence of our kind a secret

Bella: I don't even want to think of someone hurting you

Edward: Bella, the only thing that can hurt me is you

Bella: Thank goodness. I was worried that the Volturi would be able to harm or possibly kill you, but now my mind is at ease

Edward: No, they can! I was trying to sound romantic or something. The Volturi can most definitely kill me

Alice: On that note, party time! Rosalie, you first

Rosalie: *Hands gift* It's poison. I'll be offended if you don't drink it straight away

Emmett: Mine is already installed in your truck. New sound system

Rosalie: My second gift is also in your truck; cut brake-line

Carlisle: And we got you something to brighten your day. Careful, we wrapped it in cactus

Bella: *Cuts finger*

Jasper: *Attacks*

Rosalie: Jasper, you got her 'death'? Damn, that was my third gift

Edward: *Throws Bella into Emmett's ill-advised knife collection*

Bella: Oh dear God! Why did you do that? I'm bleeding everywhere

Edward: I thought that maybe I could create so much blood that Jasper would get confused and stop

Bella: You didn't think of maybe just jumping on Jasper?

Edward: Of course not. Someone might have gotten hurt

*Carlisle's "office", though it looks more like the lounge on a cruise ship than somewhere to put in stitches*

Carlisle: It's not your fault; Jasper hasn't been away from human blood as long as the rest of us

Bella: Of course it's not my fault. How could it possibly be? Jasper's the one with no control, you gave me the gift, and Edward threw me across the room. It's everyone's fault but mine

Carlisle: You've always been very gracious about us

Bella: Sure

Carlisle: It's because we're so incredibly good-looking isn't it?

Bella: Absolutely

Carlisle: And because we could easily kill you if you made us mad

Bella: Undoubtedly

Carlisle: Ah well. There have been great relationships based on less

*Bella's truck*

Bella: Edward, you can't protect me from everything. An accident, illness, old age, my boyfriend throwing me into a wall...actually, you could have protected me from that last one

Edward: I'm not going to change you. You don't know how I feel about you

Bella: Carlisle told me how you feel about your soul. I don't believe in that. And frankly, neither should you. Your very existence seems to disprove most religions

Edward: True. But if we pretend, we can still take religious holidays off from work and school

Bella: It's still my birthday, so can I ask you one thing?

Edward: I don't believe in birthdays, so no. Now go inside. You've got to prepare for the Sabbath

Bella: But that's not-

Edward: Go inside! Goodnight and shalom

*Outside the Swan House*

Edward: Come take a walk with me

Bella: I sense another surprise party

*Forest. Where all important Bella and Edward talks occur*

Edward: Surprise! We're leaving town forever

Bella: What? Why?

Edward: Carlisle's supposed to be older than he looks. Yesterday someone pointed out his driver's licence expired in 1942. We have no choice but to leave

Bella: Alright, I'll get my coat

Edward: No, you can't

Bella: OK, I'll buy a new coat when we get there

Edward: You're not coming

Bella: Well no, not right now. But if we kiss and cuddle for a while then maybe-

Edward: Not what I meant. You can't go with us

Bella: If it's because of Jasper-

Edward: It's not that

Bella: If it's because I sometimes snort when I laugh-

Edward: Not that either. And when have you ever laughed?

Bella: If it's because I have little to no personality and practically no redeeming character traits other than apparently smelling nice and not being about to recognise when I'm in an abusive relationship-

Edward: Frankly that's my favourite thing about you. It's because I'm not good for you

Bella: I told you, I don't mind the physical abuse and having to live in fear. It's like dating...a bear

Edward: I don't want you to come. I'm leaving, and you'll never see me again. It'll be like I never existed. Except for the emotional pain, the physical scars left from when James and Jasper attacked you, and the fact that for several weeks people will be coming up to you asking "Whatever happened to that Cullen kid?" Goodbye and shalom *Leaves*

Bella: *Decides to chase after the super-fast vampire, perhaps hoping to find him hiding behind a tree. Then she crawls, and despite failing to find Edward, finds 3 lost contact lenses. She then cries herself to sleep on the forest floor. Oh yes, it's like he never even existed*

Sam: *Finds Bella, and also finds that not wearing a shirt while assisting a police investigation doesn't draw a single suspicious glance. He briefly considers forming a new Shirtless Squad, but realises they may struggle for female volunteers*

TO BE CONTINUED...


	2. Chapter 2

**Project H: New Moon**

By Panicattack/ Project H

Part 2

*3 months later*

Bella emailing: _Alice, you're not replying to my emails, but some guy called Mail Delivery Failure keeps sending me weird messages. Is he some friend of yours?_

_Signed Bella_

_P.S. My heart still feels like breaking out of my chest since Edward left. Thought you might want to know :(_

Charlie: Alright, that's it. You're going to live with your mother. 3 months is too long to sit around doing nothing. 2 and a half months is totally normal, but not 3. At first I thought it was your time of the month or something, but I called your mother and she said it normally doesn't last 12 weeks

Bella: I don't want to leave Forks. I like my friends here

Charlie: For the last time, your truck doesn't count as a friend

Bella: I'm going shopping tomorrow with Jessica

Charlie: Is that the Asian guy?

Bella: No, Jessica's a girl. I need a girl's night

Charlie: Girl's night. Shopping, painting nails, talking boys, gory zombie film

Bella:...is that what we're supposed to do?

*Movie Theatre*

Jessica: Well that was disgusting. And no hot guys kissing anybody, just guys with weird skin eating brains

Bella: I thought that was totally your type

Jessica: And what's with your depression? I mean, really. Like, get over it

Bella: Geez, if only I'd had your advice from the beginning

Bikie: Excuse me young lady! I wish to use you in a way that brings me physical gratification with little regard to your resultant emotional state! Or, you could get on my bike

Bella: He seems nice

Imaginary Ed: Careful now

Bella: *Gets on bike*

Bikie: *Drives bike*

Imaginary Ed: Careful now

Bella: Stop!

Jessica: Was that fun? Because taking rides from strangers is generally fun

Bella: I just saw an apparition of the boy who abandoned me

Jessica: Well if that's the first step to getting over him, the second must be having his name carved into your face

Bella: Already booked in for tomorrow morning

Bella emailing: _Alice, I saw him, and all it took was for me to almost kill myself. So if I actually kill myself, then he should come back for real, right? If I try it, I'll let you know how it turns out. Well, no, I guess I won't. _

_LOLZ ;P_

*Black house. Ironically painted white*

Bella: *Arrives with motorbikes* Jacob, remember how we weren't friends? Well now we _are_ friends because I need mechanical help

Jacob: That sure looks fun to ride. And those bikes look good too

Bella: I get it if you think this is really stupid and reckless

Jacob: Not really

Bella: Well what if we use dangerous tools without proper protection?

Jacob: I guess...

Bella: And wear blindfolds

Jacob: Well that...

Bella: And use only our teeth

Jacob: But...

Bella: Suspended 50 feet in the air

Jacob: That's the most stupid and reckless thing I've ever heard

Bella: Sweet. Let's build some bikes

*Garage*

Bella: This bike building is pretty awesome, but you know what would create even more sexual tension? Homework. Let's work that in sometime

Jacob: Are you just gonna sit there or are you going to screw something?

Bella: Excuse me?

Jacob: Pick up a screwdriver and get to work

Bella: Oh, I thought that was another sexual advance

Jacob: Of course not. Now grab that long metal pole and help me with these nuts

Bella:...

Quil: Jacob!

Embry: What up, homeslice?

Jacob: Guys, this is Bella

Quil: A girl? I saw one of those on TV once

Embry: Don't look in her eyes! She'll steal your soul!

Quil: So this is the girlfriend?

Jacob: No. I just said she's a girl and a friend

Quil: You also said she worked naked and had to bend down a lot to pick things up

Jacob: I said she had...naked ambition and had to bend down to pick up...friendship

Embry: They can smell your fear and survive the vacuum of space!

Bella: So you guys have girlfriends?

Jacob: Yeah, right. Quil's actually taking his cousin to prom

*Somewhere*

Jessica: I think someone, somewhere in the world, just fulfilled my ultimate fantasy

*Back at the garage*

Embry: I heard that if you talk to them, it makes you pregnant

Jacob: Let's ignore him now. Say Quil, wanna wrestle?

Quil: Always *Wrestles with Jacob*

Embry: If you touch their breasts, they grant you a wish

Bella: If you touch their breasts, they kick you in the balls

Embry: Weird, that was going to be my wish...

Bella: *Grants wish*

Embry: *Will be silent and on the floor for the remainder of the conversation*

*Bella's room*

Bella: *Screams*

Charlie: What's wrong? Annoying kids on your lawn? You crazy old lady

Bella: Bad dream

Charlie: About kids on your lawn? This Jacob certainly takes your mind off things. You've got to learn to love what's good for you

Bella: Stupid insane stunts? Agreed

*Bella's truck*

Jacob: What would you say if it turned out I couldn't fix the bikes?

Bella: I'd break down in tears and say we couldn't be friends anymore. Why do you ask?

Jacob:...no reason. But just so you know, most bikes can't make right turns or brake. That's totally normal

Sam: *Jumps off cliff. He's not in the truck, obviously, but Bella is driving past him*

Jacob: Ugh, there he is with his cult. Don't you just hate shirtless muscular guys doing athletic things? And also in their case, being wealthy, having no fear of commitment and willing to wait until the girl feels ready

Bella:...

Jacob: Bella?

Bella: Muscles! What, sorry, what? I was thinking about bikes

Jacob: They're cliff diving. Scary as hell, but a total rush

Bella: A rush? So I could hang out with shirtless guys while seeing visions of the man I love, and I'm hanging out with _you_?

Jacob: Correction; you can ride a poorly designed motorcycle with no safety features while seeing visions of the man you love, and you're hanging out with me

Bella: Let's ride!

*Dangerous riding track*

Jacob: Now remember, if you're feeling uneasy, speed up. You can't fall off when you're going dangerously fast. Need a helmet?

Bella: Don't need one. My mother always told me I have a very thick skull *Rides away*

Jacob: I sure hope that thing doesn't leave lots of skidmarks again. And I hope the bike doesn't either

Bella: Wow this is easy. It's just like riding a bicycle, except with a motor

Imaginary Ed: Bella! Don't get distracted and crash!

Bella: *Gets distracted and crashes*

Jacob: Bella, are you OK?

Bella: Don't worry, my face broke my fall. But, uh, maybe your clothes can help stem the blood coming from my head

Jacob: No problem *Places shoe against Bella's head*

Bella: Try again

Jacob: *Removes shirt*

Bella: Oooh...well now all the blood is flowing somewhere else

Jacob: Now let's get you home. There's blood all over you, you'll need a change of shirt

Bella: And pants

Jacob: But there's no blood on your-

Bella: Just trust me on this

*Canteen*

Mike:...and then Jessica realised I had a slight resemblance to her Uncle Steve, and it was the best night of my life

Angela: That's nothing. The other night I was in the woods and I saw something big and black, and Tyler was out of town. It was on all fours and looking at me hungrily, and Tyler was out of town

Bella: My dad's been getting reports at the station

Angela: Your dad's a train driver?

Bella: _Police_ station

Mike: More importantly, Mikey's about to get lucky. Say Bella, wanna go see a film. Maybe "Love Spelled Backwards is Love" or "Guys Named Mike Are the World's Greatest Lovers"

Bella: Let's go see "Face Punch". It's about a girl who goes to the movies with a guy who turns out to be a jerk so she punches him in the face with her foot

Mike:...sounds great

Bella: We should get a bunch of people to go. Jessica!

Jessica: No more movie nights for me

Bella: The love interests are cousins

Jessica: WHY WERE WE NOT IN LINE OPENING NIGHT?

*Movie Theatre*

Bella: Eric and Angela can't make it, and Jessica came and saw the movie 6 times today and was banned from the theatre for yelling inappropriate things at the screen. It's just us three, so it's another girl's night out. Me, the guy who likes romantic comedies, and the guy who hangs out with a bunch of sweaty, shirtless dudes. *Sigh* My mother was right when she said girls who wear flannel only attract one type of guy

Jacob: Oh, come on now. There was also the glittery one

Bella:...I may as well just grow a damn moustache

*After the film*

Mike: *Runs towards bathroom*

Jacob: You should hold out for a man who laughs at the gore that makes other men vomit. I was in hysterics when you split your head open *Grabs Bella's hand*

Bella: *Snatches hand away*

Jacob: What, I can't hold your hand?

Bella: Not when it's in my front pocket, no

Jacob: You like me, right? And you think I'm beautiful?

Bella: Sure, but I feel the same way about shiny cutlery. It doesn't mean I want to date it. I'm not like a car you can fix up. I'm never gonna run right

Jacob: But all you need is a mechanic to tinker around inside you. To replace the treads on your tyres and regularly check your dipstick. To make sure the ring is firmly around the piston, and check that the engine is four-stroke. If not, manually add a stroke myself. And if your muffler-

Mike: Cock-block! Ha! Feels good to be on the other side of it. I need to go home

Jacob: More like you need to go to the...idiot store

Mike: I was thinking more along the lines of the hospital

Jacob: You want me to put you in the hospital?

Bella: Jacob, don't get violent!

Jacob: I wasn't. I was offering to pay his medical school tuition

Bella: *Holds Jacob back* Ooh, you're really hot. You feel like you have a fever, but on your chest. Heartburn?

Jacob: Maybe it's due to all the hot, hot love between us. No, wait, its heartburn

Bella on phone: Hi Jake. Your dad says you have mono, but it doesn't matter to me how many eyebrows you have. I just want to hear your voice again. Or see your abs. Either or. So if you could ring me back or maybe fax over a photo of your stomach, that'd be great. Between you not returning my calls and Alice not getting my emails, I'm considering getting back in contact with my childhood imaginary friend Pietro. That's assuming he's come back from the war

*Black house*

Jacob: *Walking in the rain*

Jacob's shirt: *Will never be seen again*

Bella's shirt: *Is still on, but is getting very wet. Frankly, they may as well have had the conversation nude*

Bella: You cut your hair. And got a tattoo. And a manicure?

Jacob: Go away

Bella: I thought you were too sick to go outside

Jacob: I had a fever. Walking half-naked in the cold and wet is the recommended cure

Bella: Has Sam gotten to you? With all his naked wrestling?

Jacob: No, Sam's helping

Bella: Do I smell women's perfume?

Jacob:...part of the cure. If you want someone to blame, how about those filthy bloodsuckers you love?

Bella: I don't even like Mike

Jacob: The Cullens

Bella: What have they done? Has Alice not been returning your emails? Don't take that personally

Jacob: You've been lying to everyone. Charlie...probably others too. But not me. Not anymore. Sam told me the tooth fairy isn't even real

Bella: Well you needed cheering up after falling over in the garage

Jacob: We can't be friends anymore

Bella: But we were getting on so well. I was almost comfortable enough to take my shoes off around you

Jacob: It's not you. I'm not...good

Bella: That's OK. I have a low standard in friends. You've met Jessica. You promised-

Jacob: I promised not to hurt you. This is me keeping my promise

Bella: That's what the last guy said. Then I sat in a chair all depressed for three months

Jacob: If you can get it down to two and a half months this time, you'll know you're maturing. Now go home before you get hurt

Bella: Well maybe I will. *Walks away and steps in a bear trap* Oh dear God!

TO BE CONTINUED...


	3. Chapter 3

**Project H: New Moon**

By Panicattack/ Project H

Part 3

Bella emailing: _Screw this! Screw all of this! I don't need men anymore! I'm one forged family tree from getting Jessica into bed anyway_

*The Meadow, which is now dead. Well maybe if Bella and Edward hadn't laid down on every square inch of it there would be a few flowers left*

Laurent: Hello Bella. Are the Cullens here? Their house was empty, and Alice hasn't been returning my emails. I'm surprised they left you behind. Aren't you sort of a pet of theirs?

Bella: Yeah, you could say that. Although laying newspaper down in the loungeroom was a little insulting

Laurent: And the hamster wheel?

Bella: Kept me fit. Edward likes thin girls

Laurent: Do the Cullens visit often?

Imaginary Ed: Lie

Bella: Edward likes fat girls

Imaginary Ed: Lie about us!

Bella: Oh yeah, they visit all the time. In fact, I think Carlisle's in that bush over there. What's that, Carlisle? Why yes, Laurent is here. And you and your army of 100 bloodthirsty vampires are about to run out into the field and kill everybody that isn't me? Splendid

Laurent: I'm here as a favour to Victoria. She thought I owed her one since I gave information to the Cullens that directly lead to the vicious murder of her mate, James. I mean, get over it already. She wanted to know if you were still under the protection of the Cullens

Imaginary Ed: Threaten him

Bella:...I know karate

Imaginary Ed: You're on your own *Disappears*

Laurent: I just wonder how much you could mean to your mate, if he left you here unprotected

Bella: Not true...I'm wearing a cup

Laurent:...and Edward gave you that?

Bella: No, I always wear one

Laurent: Very well. Any last requests before the meal begins?

Bella: Maybe some garlic bread?

Laurent:...you _are_ the meal!

Bella: Cancel the garlic bread, then

Wolves: *Attack*

Laurent: *Runs, attacks, dies. In that order*

*Swan kitchen*

Bella: Wolves! They're not bears in the woods, they're wolves. And a vampire, but don't include that in the police report

Someone: You sure about that, Bella?

Bella: Definitely. I know they weren't bears, because they didn't try to swipe my pic-a-nic basket

Charlie: Feel like going hunting?

Someone: Uh, yeah, just give me a sec. *Sticks head out window* Boys! Get out of the woods and put your damn shirts on! People are coming to kill you! Alright Charlie, let's go

*Bella's room*

Jacob: *Jumps through window*

Bella: Well it seems neither the dream catcher nor the pervert catcher is working

Jacob: Hello Bella. I decided to come into your bedroom half-naked and wet in the middle of the night to assure you I haven't become weird

Bella: Very reassuring. Why do you smell like wet dog?

Jacob: I wish I could tell you, but I literally can't. Have you ever had a secret you couldn't tell anyone, because it wasn't yours to share?

Bella: Edward's a vampire, Jessica is incestuous, Charlie likes it rough. There, everyone's secrets. Now tell me yours

Jacob: I can't. You have no idea how tight I'm bound

Bella: So you've been tightly bound by your shirtless, wet friends?

Jacob: Yes. It's like there's a deep throbbing within me that can only be released when I'm with the pack

Bella: And they make you feel like erupting?

Jacob: Yes, I...wait, what are you suggesting?

Bella: Nothing at all, but maybe you and I should get away for a while

Jacob: This isn't like getting a girl pregnant, I can't just run away from it. Just try to remember what I told you before. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to join my pack so we can sleep naked together in the woods

Bella:...is there a reason you're covered in baby oil?

*Bella's dream*

Jacob: WE'RE WEREWOLVES! Dream Jacob doesn't need to be as subtle as real Jacob

Bella:...is there a reason you're covered in baby oil?

Jacob: Well the dream needs to be at least _somewhat_ realistic

*Black house*

Bella: I need to see him

Billy: You can't

Bella: Kinda hard for you to stop me in a wheelchair

Billy: Even harder in a _soiled_ wheelchair

Wolfpack: *Approach the house*

Bella: What the hell did you do to him?

Embry: Don't let her cross your path! It's seven years bad luck

Paul: We didn't do anything to him. He was a lovesick wuss long before we got to him

Bella: *Grants wish*

Paul: Oh God!

Embry: Don't worry, her tears have healing powers

Paul: *Becomes a wolf*

Jacob: *Becomes a wolf*

Sam: Quil, Embry, take Bella back to Emily's place

Embry: Where her presence will ensure a healthy baby onto the household?

Sam: No, where she won't be torn apart by wolves

Embry: Also good

Bella emailing. Because apparently she emailed in the car on the way to Emily's_: Alice, is it possible the fairy tales and horror stories are true? If so, I should really stop going to visit that woman with the house made of ginger bread. Is it possible that there isn't anything sane or normal at all? That would certainly explain Jessica, although she's probably a unicorn or something_

*Emily's house*

Quil: Oh hey, about Emily. Sam's fiancée, don't stare

Bella: Why would I stare?

Emily: *Turns around, revealing scarred face* Hi there

Embry: Another girl? They're breeding too fast! Don't let them lay their eggs in your brain!

Emily: You must be Bella

Bella: *Stares*

Emily: Bella, right?

Bella: *Stares*

Emily: You're looking at the scars, aren't you?

Bella: No. I just always imagined Sam with someone prettier. What, are you a good cook or something?

Emily: Very much so. Muffin?

Bella: No, Bella

Quil: I guess Jacob disobeyed Sam. Alpha's orders get obeyed whether we want to or not

Embry: Except when he told me to stop being such a creep. His powers will only go so far...

Quil: And we can hear each other's thoughts

Embry: Even when Sam really wants to block me out. His powers will only go so far...

Quil: Freaked out yet?

Bella: Long ago

Embry: And we can repel women

Quil: That's a power exclusive to you

*La Push. Or 'The Beach' if that's easier to understand*

Bella: Part dog, huh? I guess that explains why you're always humping my leg

Jacob: Uh, yeah, that's totally the reason. A couple of us have the gene

Bella: Inbreeding will do that

Jacob: No, inbreeding will give you Embry. We only become wolves around vampires. And it was impossible for me to tell you as humans can't know we exist

Bella: Can't tell people, but can transform in front of them for no reason and then attempt to kill them

Jacob: Yes. I don't know why Sam made that a rule

Bella: Have you tried...not being a werewolf?

Jacob: It's not a lifestyle choice, Bella. The shirtlessness and baby oil is, but not being a werewolf. I am as God made me

Bella: God hates your family

Jacob: God gave you that face!

Bella: But you've killed people

Jacob: Only vampires. Well, _vampire_. But we're working on that

Bella: So its vampires verses werewolves. I miss the days when turf wars were between jocks and nerds. And by 'turf wars' I mean 'jock victories'

Bella emailing: _Alice, I'm alright. Until I'm alone. Which is all the time. So I'm not alright. Not at all. I just like to start emails with a lie. It was that, or "I'm an independent woman who doesn't need men to be happy." I've started cutting myself too. Not on purpose, I'm just really clumsy with scissors. I would have sent this as an e-card, but there wasn't one that said "Your adopted brother's ex-girlfriend is incredibly depressed and thinks emailing a non-responsive vampire will cheer her up." It's a little specific._

_Anyway, I'm going to kill myself to see Ed again. Talk soon, hugs and kisses_

*Meanwhile*

Someone: *Has a heart attack*

Victoria: *Attacks*

Wolves: *Attack*

Art: *Attack. Man, that was an awesome show*

*Cliff*

Imaginary Ed: Sup?

Bella: I'm going to jump off this cliff so I can see you again

Imaginary Ed: But you can see me right now. I've got nowhere to be, we can hang out for a few hours. Don't do this

Bella: Watch me

Imaginary Ed: No

Bella: Oh, please watch me. I'll do a big splash and everything *Jumps*

Imaginary Ed: *Disappears*

Bella: You didn't watch! Now I have to do it again

Victoria: Don't worry, I saw

Bella: Well that's...good?

Jacob: Not swimming between the flags? Everyone out of the water!

TO BE CONTINUED...


	4. Chapter 4

**Project H: New Moon**

By Panicattack/ Project H

Part 4

*Bella's truck*

Jacob: Your hands are freezing. Warm them up over here in my pants

Bella: That a wolf thing?

Jacob: Nope, that's pure Jacob. You saw what happened to Emily, that's why we can never be together

Bella: I can think of nothing I want less than to be with you...

Jacob: He got mad and she was too close

Bella: I find you very unattractive...

Jacob: I sometimes lose control, and I'm scared of hurting you

Bella: I hate how you keep marking me as your territory...

Jacob: When I transform, I feel like I'm going to disappear

Bella: I can't tell you how much I wish you would do that right now

Jacob: I smell vampire!

Bella: That's just my new perfume. Chanel No.6: Blood, glitter and stalker

Jacob: There's one in your house. Quick, let me mark you as my territory

Bella: I'll take my chances with the vamp

Imaginary Ed: Now these are the sorts of risks we can both enjoy

*Swan house*

Alice: Bella! Why the hell haven't you emailed me?

Bella: I emailed everyday

Alice: That's what they all say

Bella: Say, that's a lovely wreath you've got there saying 'RIP Bella Swan'. But my birthday was weeks ago

Alice: Funny story. I had a vision you died, and came here to pay my respects. I never would have come if I thought you might be alive. Frankly I'd completely forgotten you'd existed until that vision. We've got a new Bella; his name is Steven and he only wears plaid

Bella: About my jump, did you tell...him?

Alice: God? I'm pretty sure he knows. Why do you smell like wet dog? Moreso than usual

Bella: Jacob. He's a werewolf

Alice: Wow. So since we left, this place had really gone to the dogs *Rimshot*

Jacob: Odd. Because when you were here this place really _sucked_ *Rimshot*. I'm Jacob, I'm sure I was in your visions of Bella

Alice: Nope. Not even once

Jacob: Really? But I must have been. I'm with Bella all the time. I mean heaps to her and am her best friend and everything

Alice: Not according to my visions. They say her best friends are Google images of Jake Gyllenhaal, tubs of ice-cream and crying

Bella: It's been a great couple of months

Alice: I'll give you a moment to put the dog out, and maybe neuter it first. I've seen those wishes you grant *Leaves*

Bella: It's so weird. Before Alice showed up, I had completely forgotten about Edward and was going to sleep with you tonight. I guess those plans are off

Jacob:...

Phone: *Rings*

Jacob: *Answers* No, Charlie's at the funeral. The funeral for the person he loves very much, is very clumsy, has magnificent breasts and likes sleeping with vampires *Hangs up*. I hope it was clear I meant Harry Clearwater

Bella: Who was that?

Jacob: Wrong number. That's how I always answer the phone. It's a little specific, but eventually it will apply to a situation

Alice: Bella! Edward thinks you're dead. Rosalie told him why I came here, and then he made a phone call to someone I couldn't see. They must be really short or something

Bella: Weird coincidence. Jacob just received a phone call from someone and told them about a funeral

Alice:...

Jacob:...

Alice: Quick Jacob, make a wish

Jacob: Bella, please don't go after him. He said he didn't love you anymore

Bella: And you said you'd never leave me, but you still did

Jacob: Yes, but when I lie its cute

*Bella and Alice drive off*

Jacob: Man, that sure was an ugly mess. But then, that's Bella's face for you *Rimshot*

*Italy*

Imaginary Ed: Woo! Road trip!

Bella: Why are you still here?

Imaginary Ed: You're not wearing a seat belt. Very risky

Bella: *Buckles up* There. You can go now

Imaginary Ed: Yeah right. We're in Italy, there's probably mafia everywhere

Civilians: *Walk by in red cloaks*

Bella: That's embarrassing, they're all wearing the same outfit

Alice: They're commemorating the expulsion of vampires from the city

Bella: Kinda ironic in a city run by vampires. It'd be like the Quileute tribe celebrating a year of fine fashion

Alice: Edward's going to walk into the town square and expose himself to the humans. And after that he'll walk into the sun and sparkle

Bella: Alright then, let's go and stop him

Alice: I'm not stopping. Those parking meters rob you blind on public holidays. I'll just circle for a bit

Bella: But with your super speed you'll get to him before he even realises you're here

Alice: At $7.50 an hour I'll take my chances

Bella: But I'll never get all of these people to stop and let me through

Alice: A young woman in a low-cut top running up and down without proper upper-body support. Trust me, people will stop

Bella: *Crosses town square in a matter of seconds* Ah, perving – the universal language

Clock: *Strikes 12*

The Mouse: *Ran down*

Hickory: *Dickory dock*

Bella: *Runs through fountain*

Alice: A _wet_ young woman in a low-cut top running up and down without proper upper-body support? The shops will be closed for a week

Edward: *Sparkles*

Bella: *Stops him*

Edward: Ah, heaven

Bella: Oh please. If this were heaven you'd have better abs than that. This is Italy

Edward: Close enough. Is God here or is he enjoying time in his bubblegum spa?

Bella: No God, but there are some ancient and vicious vampires who want to kill you

Edward: Again, close enough. I just couldn't stand to live in a world without you, even though I did exactly that for 109 years. Essentially I wanted to kill myself because I dated you. All of this is your fault, and it just makes me love you more

Bella: But you said you didn't love me anymore

Edward: I lied. I had to lie, and you believed me so easily

Bella: Because I trusted you to always be honest

Edward: And that's where you've been wrong all along. This relationship wasn't built on trust, it was built on lies. When we first met I hid that I was a vampire from you, and you hid that weird rash from me

Bella: But it doesn't make sense for you to love me

Edward: But Bella, don't you see? It doesn't make sense for _anyone_ to love you, and yet we still do. Me, your family, your friends, and seemingly every boy at school, even though there are far better looking girls in our class. You're probably only about a 4 at best, even with the wet shirt

Demetri: *Runs in* We too late for the wet cutie?

Edward: No, she's right here

Felix: Ugh. What is she, like, a 3?

Alice: Good news, I found an empty disabled spot so I can come in too. Though just to be safe I should break Bella's foot before we leave

Jane: *Enters* Aro sent me to see what was taking so long *Leaves*

Demetri:...

Felix:...

Edward:...

Bella:...

Alice:...

Jane: *Re-enters* GET YOUR ASS IN HERE!

TO BE CONTINUED...


	5. Chapter 5

**Project H: New Moon**

By Panicattack/ Project H

Part 5

*Volturi HQ*

Aro: How delightful, everyone is here and alive

Caius: And the fool Edward thought that by not wearing a shirt we'd go easy on him. He was certainly...wrong?

Aro: Edward, may I shake your hand?

Edward: No way. I know you can read all of a person's thoughts just by touching them

Aro: Aw c'mon, I just want to be friends

Edward: Well OK *Shakes hands*

Aro: So you can't read Bella's thoughts, huh?

Edward: Damn you!

Aro: Let me see for myself. *Holds Bella's hand* Nothing!

Jane: My turn

Edward: No I don't think-

Jane: SIT YOUR ASS DOWN!

Edward: Yes miss

Jane: *Angry stare*

Bella: *Confused stare*

Jane: Nope, can't do it

Bella: What's your power?

Jane: I make people wet themselves

Bella: Oh...

Jane: Kidding. It's torturous pain

Aro: Marcus, you try. He has the incredible power of seduction

Marcus: *Struts over* So...you wanna go for a coffee or something?

Bella: No thanks

Marcus: She's good

Edward: I'd be available for coffee if you-

Jane: SHUT YOUR MOUTH!

Caius: Actually Ed I'd rather like to-

Jane: NO MORE TALKING!

Aro: Well then, that certainly tells us all we need to know. No point testing anyone else's power as they're all pretty weak. Caius had the ability to communicate with ants, Demetri faints if anyone calls him Larry, and Felix has the power of change. Give him a monetary note and he can always give you change

Felix: *Holding two $10 notes* Anybody got a 20?

Aro: Basically our group sucks. But what to do with Bella...

Caius: She knows too much

Edward: Only because you just told and showed her

Aro: True...

Edward: And she couldn't possibly be any more a liability then the hundreds of vampires who already know about you

Aro: Also true...

Caius: Forget this, I'll do it myself. Ant army assemble!

*Nothing happens*

Aro: Pathetic. Felix, take care of it

Felix: *Attacks*

Caius: Conflict? Quick Ed, take your pants off

Felix: *Fights*

Edward: *Fights worse*

Felix: *Wins*

Aro: Such a shame, Edward. If only you'd be willing to make her one of us

Alice: I'll do it. Take a look

Aro: As you wish *Touches Alice. Sees vision of Bella and Edward getting married, going on their honeymoon, Bella becoming pregnant, the baby snapping her spine as it tries to push out, Edward giving a caesarean with his teeth and tearing a mutant baby out of her womb, injecting Bella's heart with vampire blood, and Bella becoming a vampire. Oh, and a werewolf falls in love with the baby* Oh my...uh, you can go. I don't want anything to do with that

Edward: Excellent. Well thank you Aro, Jane, Caius, Marcus, Felix and...I'm sorry, was it 'Larry'?

Demetri: *Faints*

Edward: My mistake

*Bella, Edward and Alice start walking out, as tourists walk in*

Tourist 1: This holiday was the best way to celebrate being cured of that terminal disease

Tourist 2: Finally I'm over my irrational fear of having Italians drink my blood

Tourist 3: I can't tell you how much I hope we're not being lead towards hungry vampires

Bella emailing: _Alice, I had the weirdest dream that you came back and told me we had to go to Italy to save Edward, and we met the Volturi and...no wait, you're sitting next to me right now. Probably not a dream then. My bad._

_P.S. If you got home and found your email packed with weird messages, that was totally a different Bella Swan. I kept things together great while you were gone_

*Bella's room*

Bella: *Slowly stirring awake* Stop it...no...creepy stranger in my- Edward! You're still here! This is great. You shattered my faith in you so much the last time you left that I've come to expect that you'll abandon me the first chance you get

Edward: Bella, the only reason I left was because I thought I was protecting you. Protecting you by taking away the only people who could save you from a vengeful vampire and pack of reckless werewolves. It was an otherwise perfect plan

Bella: And I guess you didn't really leave me since you kept sending me messages when I was in danger

Edward: Say what?

Bella: You appeared to me when I was in trouble

Edward: I can't do that

Bella: Oh...I guess I was just insane then

Edward: You sure were. Sleep now, my little psycho

Bella: And when I wake up, Alice will make me a vampire?

Edward: Yes, exactly that. Except without the you being turned into a vampire bit

Bella: Oh no you don't...

*Cullen house*

Bella: I've called this Cullen family meeting for several reasons. Firstly, that pizza place we like has stopped allowing orders with the dough soaked in human blood. Secondly, I want to be a vampire

Alice: Yay! I vote 'yes'. I already consider you my sister, and now you can be a sister I share clothes, shoes and corpses with

Jasper: I also vote 'yes'. It would be nice to not want to kill you all the time. I mean, I _would _still try and kill you, but I'd feel a little bad about it

Rosalie: I'm in two minds about it. On one hand, making you a vampire will put you through incredible pain. On the other, making you a vampire could make you hotter than me. I vote on a happy middle ground where you get put through pain and also have your face ripped off somehow. I think that will please everyone

Emmett: I vote 'yes' for no apparent reason

Esme: Same here

Carlisle: And I vote 'yes' purely for ironic reasons. So Edward, you wanted to be with her forever, well now you can. Ha!

Edward: I hate family meetings

*Edward's car, driving home*

Bella: We'll do it after graduation. Being spotty in a graduation photo is one thing, but being sparkly-

Car: *Screeches to a stop*

Jacob: *Standing in the middle of the road* Thank God it's you this time. 18 cars have come by thinking they saw a traffic cone shaped like a half-naked teen boy

Edward: I wanted to thank you, Jacob. For keeping Bella alive. She almost died 3 separate times but I appreciate the effort

Jacob: Anytime. And by 'anytime' I mean if at _anytime_ you or another vampire bites Bella, the treaty is off, and we are free to defend the land. And that also does away with all those joke clauses you vamps wrote into it, including that we can't go to the toilet indoors and need to take regular flea baths

Edward: Well if you wore a flea collar you wouldn't need to

Jacob: We don't have fleas! Lice maybe...

Edward: If that's all you wanted to say, I think we're done here

Jacob: Bella, I won't let him-

Bella: Jake...don't make me choose. Because it'll be him. It's always been him. I once saw a cute guy on the bus and it was him briefly, but then back to Edward

Edward: She's made herself clear, Jacob. Say Bella, how about we go and get an icy-pole? I know you like licking things that are _cold and hard_

Jacob: Have it your way. If anyone wants me, I'll be at our toilet tree *Runs off*

Edward: He's right, you shouldn't become what I am. I love human you. You're soft, warm and out in public people always think how out of your league I am

Bella: But to me you feel cold and hard. I'd like to be able to kiss you without feeling like I'm pressing my face against the side of the fridge

Edward: Just give me...five years. I want to preserve you as a hot 23-year-old. See if you fill out those curves a little

Bella: That's too long. I want it to be after graduation

Edward: Alright. But I have one condition if you want me to do it myself. Marry me, Bella

Bella: Marry you?

Edward: It's the only sensible way to order things; marriage, vampirism, make love

Invisible Ed: Ooh, can I watch?

**THE END**

**Author's Note: I must once again offer a sincere thanks to all those who read, reviewed or favourited this story. I apologise for the Breaking Dawn spoilers in the Volturi scene, if I gave away part of the story for anyone. I considered putting a warning at the top, but I felt that would have ruined the joke. Eclipse is up next, with possibly a little HP spin-off series coming before that, but we'll see how things go. **

**See you soon for Project H: Eclipse!**


End file.
